At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.