Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
