Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
I have a yeast infection.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.