Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?