A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.