So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
