I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
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her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
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So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.