Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...