my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible