In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
50% drunk capacity currently
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
