So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season