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So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
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