I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.