I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
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no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
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We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.