I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.