i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
i think my cat just said my name.