My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out