You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
These 21 People Are Related To Famous Celebrities
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married