Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA