i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I am mentally ready for anal.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
