Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.