i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.