You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.