I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?