Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
These 17 Parents Decided to Cut Contact With Their Horrible Kids
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.