I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf