That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET