I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
