he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Terrible idea I love it
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
