I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.