The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters