I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.