i wish peter jackson would direct porn
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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