Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
He passed out mid-signature
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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