Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Randomize
