I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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