I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
