I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
