I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
