I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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