Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
