The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
