Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
