Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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