he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
