Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Randomize
