Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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