Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
