In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
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