dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
