I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
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Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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