Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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