shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
