Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
