WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I will pee on everything he values.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
