I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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