I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
no, he came in my armpit
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
