Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
